Meet the Family

Doug is the morbidly obese fixture on the proverbial couch that is my life. He’s been hanging around since forever. As a child about to start school I remember him sprawled out in the background of my mind like he owned the place. He is always dragging me from whatever I’m trying to do and forcing me to perch nervously on his lap. When I try to escape he latches on to my back, making me clumsy and slow and constantly exhausted.

He is, quite frankly, repugnant. His skin is flaky and scabby and a dull grey colour. His hair is unwashed and greasy and his clothes reek of sweat and decay. His smell often keeps me up at night, coupled with the venomous lies he tries to drown me in. He sucks all the joy from my life so that the world is as colourless as his skin.

He does nothing all day but binge on food and sleep. No amount of junk satisfies him. He forces me to bury my feelings under giant pizzas, massive tubs of ice cream (no I won’t share get your own), every flavour of donut and chocolate and cake. With him prodding me forward I gorge until I feel sick, and then I stuff my face some more until all I’m left with is stomach pain and guilt. If you can imagine the ginormous man-thing from the movie Seven, the one that ate himself to death and represented the sin of gluttony, then you have a pretty good idea of what Doug looks like. He is a lazy piece of shit and I hate him.

On the other hand there’s Maleficent. She just showed up one day in a flurry of activity, I’m not too sure when, and oooo girl hold on to your skirt because she is a total vixen. Picture Angelina Jolie in Gia (before the heroin destroyed her)… that’s Maleficent. Seductive. Sensual. Savvy. Full of life and love. Perfect.

She teases me endlessly as I chase her through the streets of time. Sometimes she gives in and dances blissfully with me for a day or two – maybe even a week. Those are the days of pure magic. I don’t sleep much because every atom in the world is so unbelievably gorgeous, why would I want to waste a single precious second on something as boring as rest? I hardly eat because my belly is full of the wonders and fruits of the universe. My heart is bursting with poetry and my soul is nourished by the spiritual source of all life, why would I need to bother with something as mundane as eating?

It seems like I will feel this way forever but she always disappears in the end, leaving me alone again with this fat fuck Doug who has somehow tripled in size while I’ve been distracted.

Although Maleficent and Doug exist only in my head they are still very real parts of my life. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by them that it’s hard to tell where I end and they begin. I am still learning how to exist alongside them, instead of letting them run rampant. I know I can do it. After all it’s my head and I’m in charge, right?


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