I know my depression is making a come back when certain things start to happen. Before I really began researching and tracking my illness I just took these signs as a part of my (almost) every day life… I thought they were normal. Apparently not.
Firstly, and most noticeably, I start to dread waking up. Mornings have always been the hardest part of the day for me (unsurprisingly I am a night owl), but when I feel depressed they are sheer pain. I open my eyes and my first thought is always “fuck, I’m alive”. There is a cement block on my chest (anxiety), which makes getting up that much more difficult. Sticking to my routine is vital though, and even when I’m on the verge of tears I pull myself out of bed.
Secondly, sound and touch start to annoy me. I’m talking revulsion. I’m talking rage inducing irritation of unreasonable proportions. “Do you have to swallow that juice so fucking loudly? Must you breath so heavily? Do you have to sit so fucking close to me?” These are the kinds of thoughts that run through my head daily. Ordinary things that others wouldn’t notice crawl under my skin and drive me mad. I have to constantly restrain myself from verbally snapping or lashing out. It’s awful (for me and those around me), and most of the time the only thing that helps is if I remove myself from the situation (not always possible).
Thirdly, everything seems like a chore and I am constantly tired. It doesn’t matter if it’s something I enjoy – I have no energy or interest. I feel like I’m on autopilot, just going through the motions to get through the day. Everything seems pointless. My mood tends to be quite reactive, so when nice things happen or I complete a task I do feel good temporarily. I always go back to feeling shitty though. Daily tasks, such as feeding myself properly, doing laundry, grocery shopping and keeping up with basic hygiene, become utterly exhausting.
Lastly, I simply have no hope for the future. My life seems like one long, lonely road that is never going to get better. Sometimes I can’t even see my future – the fog is that thick. Other times I’m convinced that it’s just going to be worse than the present. It’s difficult but I have to remind myself that the fog will eventually clear (please hurry up I’m suffocating) and things will start to look better.
These are only some of the things that accompany my depression, but they are among the ones that stand out the most to me. I hate the fact that this is such a big part of my life. I resent this illness so fucking much.