Merry-go-round

So remember that crash I thought I had cleverly outrun? Yeah… it caught up to me today.

It happened this morning when I was walking to meet a friend for breakfast. It snuck up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder and punched me in the face as I turned around.

The balmy air turned thick and soupy, and I felt my body fill with lead and slow down. I mean literally slow down. The short walk to the cafe became an eternity.

I teared up when my friend asked me how I was. She hastily gave me some tissues off the table – which had the opposite affect to what I think she would have liked.

During our meal I felt the fog in my brain crawl down my throat and nestle into the pit of my stomach. I spent the rest of my day fighting back tears as I tried to work.

I attempted to write a poem about what I am feeling (the past few days I’ve been churning them out with ease) but all I could come up with was this junk:

 

Dizzily spinning in circles 

No pause to catch your breath

One minute you’re playing in sunshine

The next you’re dancing with death

 

Never mind that lingering nausea

Or that sinking pit at your core

This is the ride you’ve been given

This is your mind at war

 

Don’t be fooled by your feelings

Or the love that you think you’ve found

In the end this illness is all that is real 

Just you and your merry-go-round


Nothing spells strange better than stumbling home after work openly weeping in the bustling streets. I don’t know why this shit still surprises me.

Every time I start to feel good I think that it’s finally over – that I’ve found the winning formula and stabilized. I’m starting to think it’s a pipe dream.

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An essence lives within me

Unique in every way

Its fire does fill my heart and soul

Changing my night to day


Its touch is warm and firm

Its light a gentle guide

It shows me things I’ve never seen

And pulls them deep inside

 
With certainty I know

That I’m the only one

Who feels this way, who is so sure

As special as the sun

 
Yet at times the flame does flicker

And stops and starts to sway

Its magic lost when looked at

Or compared in any way

 
I am but one of many

Not one in millions seen

The originality of me

Has here forever been

 
I can draw comfort from this fact

Knowing I’m not alone

Yet frustration rears its ugly head

And cuts me to the bone

 
How can others look upon me

And know what lives within?

How do they see my sparkle

And insist it has a twin?

 
My ego rocks my steady boat

And churns the calming seas

I must resist, I know this twist

I rise up from my knees

People

People are everywhere. In Taiwan you can go outside at any hour of the day or night and encounter them.

One of the strangest things I’ve ever experienced in this world is the loneliness that sometimes lives inside my heart even when I am surrounded by other human beings. It’s suffocating.

Depression doesn’t care if you are safe and warm on dry land; it will find you and it will drown you.

Mirrors

What we see in this world is largely a reflection of our own inner realities. So often we look around us and see an awful and scary place, a harsh conglomerate filled with judgement and rejection.

I have slowly come to realize that this could be, in part, because we constantly judge and reject ourselves. We see it in others because it lives and breathes in us. 

The turmoil within pours out into our environment, like a poisonous oil spill in the ocean. We carry so many traumas from our pasts that our shoulders knot up and ache.

We project these noxious feelings onto people because it is somehow easier to face the idea that others can hate us, than to accept the fact that we might actually hate ourselves.

We look into the mirrors around us and no longer recognize what stares back. 

Le Pouce

In July we did some hiking while vacationing in Mauritius. These photos are from our day spent on Le Pouce (English translation: The Thumb – named because of the thumb-shaped peak). It is pronounced “Le Poes” and if you’re South African you’ll understand why we found this endlessly hilarious. Funny name aside, it was a beautiful day.

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Level with Me

So as of yesterday my mood has begun to gradually level out. The first noticeable sign of this was feeling tired, and a fuzzy kind of vibe in my head that I’ll call a “mood hangover”.

The electricity that was previously coursing through my veins for nearly two weeks has trickled out, but unlike in March the depression and panic have not come back (holding thumbs it stays that way).

It would seem that self discipline does indeed pay off. Instead of hurtling head first off a cliff, my mood has eased into what I can now recognize as a “normal” state. The itch to constantly be on the go has settled but not plummeted. It is a rewarding feeling and I am content with life.

On Tuesday my mood peaked. I felt almost painfully elated and it took all I had to control my urges. I felt as though I had been given a gift and by not indulging it I was wasting it. I saw it for what it was though – tantalizing untruths courtesy of my overactive brain – and that is a massive achievement in my eyes.

Now it’s Friday and I can look back on this episode and feel proud of myself for managing it effectively. The payoff is worth it.

Flying

buzzing skin

begging to be let in 

magical moments

floating beneath sin

because I’m flying now 

leaving the ground 

behind

Black River Gorges National Park

In July my boyfriend and I spent a week visiting family in Mauritius. One morning we went for a hike in the nearby National Park. Here are a collection of the best photos from that gorgeous day.

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We did the Macchabee-Petrin Trail and it took us 5 hours.

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To say that it was muddy is an understatement. On the way back down I fell on my butt more than once. It was great fun.

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Super Me

So my mood has been elevated for nearly a week now and I won’t lie – I’m loving it. I feel so great about life and myself and it’s crazy to think that my brain has this ability. I feel special and beautiful. It’s almost like a super power. 

The world is glossy and my soul is glittering and I’m all too aware that I feel like I’m on ecstasy despite being totally sober. I feel like I could try anything and succeed, no… fucking excel at it. Listening to music is like having a brain orgasm and I’m seeing colours and patterns in everything. 

There are some not so great parts – like the lingering electric headache buzzing in the background of my mind, or the flashes of intense irritation when something doesn’t go my way or people don’t like or see the meaning in something as much as I do (which is pretty impossible for them to do since I’m in love with the world right now). The often overwhelming compulsion to talk talk talk, and the worry that I’m going to say something inappropriate and offend or annoy people. Those moments pass though because I’m aware of them and see them for what they are – just moments. 

I’m not submitting totally to this mood swing. Not this time. I’m disciplined and aware of the stimuli around me. I’m sticking to my new routine. After a certain time at night I put away my phone and my music and I take my meds and go to bed. 

Often I can’t sleep but I force myself to lie in the dark until the chemicals that help bring me down kick in. I’ll even talk to my brain sometimes: “give it up buddy – you’re not getting anymore music or screen time or dancing around the apartment like a loon… may as well sleep”. It’s worked so far (told you I could succeed at anything haha). 

One of the best ways to bring my mood down to a normal level is to sleep, stick to a routine and remain engaged in healthy activities. The powerful pull of the destructive urges are there, like magnets drawing me in, but I can and will resist them. It’s not easy though – it’s hard to stay on the ground when you feel like you can fly – but it will be worth it because hopefully I won’t crash into suicidal despair like last time. 

Sheesh. What a rollercoaster. 

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