With me
Or at me
I’ll never know

This smile on my face
Is purely for show

Bad things
Or worse
Nothing at all

Who knew my soul
Could feel so small



I wish I had
Taken more photos with you
Held your hand more
Listened to you better

I thought I had more time
And that was my mistake

You will live on
Through every soul
You touched
And there are many


A black anvil of paranoia

Swings between my ears

Back and forth on fraying rope

It falls with all my fears


Pain sits upon my shattered brow

And doubt seeps in the cracks

Round and round the thought wheel goes

With no regard for facts


My jaw and face and head all ache

The weight is bearing down

You cannot see what’s hurting me

Yet judge my constant frown


But wear my skin just for a day

Climb in and walk around

We’ll see how much you’re smiling then

How much joy you’ve found


Approval’s all I seek from you

Why I do not know

My own is all that matters now

Acceptance makes it so


Things have clicked

And here I sit

Stability in hand


Neuroses soothed

Muscles relaxed

Still waters cleared of sand


The path ahead

Stretches seen

In my mind’s calm eye


Peace has settled

In my head

A state no one can buy


I went walking in the nearby park during my lunch break today. At the start of it I felt awful – that aching, empty feeling that I can never seem to describe. But as I moved deeper into the park the serenity of the place began to soothe and centre me.

I sat in a shaded area by a pond, and watched turtles swimming beneath the surface. Three ducks drifted by among fallen petals and leaves, their pinks and yellows gorgeously bright against the dark green water, and I realized something profound.

My time in Taiwan is limited, and so far I’ve spent the majority of it worrying that I’m not doing things right – at work, in my relationship, in preparation for my future. I have been so wrapped up in my own fears that I’ve hardly seen the beauty around me.

I want to start noticing things and being in each day, instead of merely getting through it. I want to experience the current moment, be it good or bad or even nothing at all, rather than obsessing over those that lie ahead. I want to breathe more. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for over a year.


Validation – the cry for it is everywhere you look. Like my selfie, retweet my words, read my blog. See me. Hear me. Accept me. We are all, in some way, desperately seeking the approval of others. But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about feelings – shocker right? Me, talk about feelings… how surprising (^_^)

When people come to us with their woes and heartache the natural instinct is to want to help. The majority of us possess empathy, and seeing someone we care about in distress upsets us. We want to fix their problems and make the bad feelings go away. I myself have done this many times throughout my life. However, I have slowly come to realize that, while this is a noble endeavor, the way you go about helping someone is of vital importance.

For me, one of the main reasons I don’t always reach out to people is because often their way of trying to help actually makes me feel worse. No one can change or solve another’s issues, nor should they have to. That is only something we can each try to figure out for ourselves.

What someone who is going through hell really needs is not a flurry of fixits, but a form of validation. They need someone to care enough to recognize and acknowledge their pain. What they don’t need is to be told to look on the bright side. They need someone willing to listen and simply be there while they battle whatever is hurting them.

You can’t fight my monster for me, but you can support me while I learn to do it myself.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been battling and just wanted to hear the words “I’m sorry you’re hurting, it sucks but I still love you and will always be here”. Those words are so comforting and powerful.

So often I hear people say things like “everyone has struggles”, thinking that they are putting things into perspective. Thanks for your groundbreaking insight, but that actually does nothing to alleviate mine (as I assume you may have intended). Saying something like that only invalidates my pain, and makes me feel guilty for feeling it in the first place.

Yes, everyone suffers. Yes, millions of people have it worse than me. Guess what? I still feel like shit. Your “logical” reasoning does not serve as a magic cure for my depression. You mean well I know, but all you are doing is exposing your lack of understanding about what is going on inside my head.

But here’s the kicker – I’m not asking you to understand it (hell I don’t understand it half the time). All I’m asking for is you to love me enough to sit with me in the dark a while.

Back when I worked at a crisis line we were taught in training to “walk beside” our callers. Meaning, don’t run ahead of them and force a solution on them (even if you think you see one), but stay with them in all their pain and discomfort. Guide them to find their own solutions – ones that work for them, not you.

It’s not easy to do, and we may fail as much as we succeed, but sticking by someone as they figure things out is one of the kindest things we can do as human beings.


As the title of my previous post suggests, I have recently turned 27. I thought it an appropriate time for an update here.

My mood has been relatively stable for going on 5 weeks now (aside from two really awful days at the start of the month, following being physically ill with tonsillitis). This explains my lack of writing. I’m not very creative when I’m stable. It’s not that I can’t write – just that it’s not as effortless. I really have to work at it (not a bad thing) and often I feel like whatever I come up with is stale and forced. Anyway…

I’ve been dealing with some issues in my personal life of late, particularly involving my relationship. It’s been unbelievably stressful, but has helped to firmly cement the difference between sadness and depression in my mind. Yes I am sad – but sadness has an identifiable cause and will eventually buzz off.

These recent challenges have also highlighted the true value of open, honest communication. Therapy has helped pave the way for that. I’ve been going weekly, sometimes alone – sometimes with my partner. His patience, understanding and willingness to work with me to figure things out have only made me love him more. I know we will see better times, together.

The past two days have not been good. My anxiety has been hanging around (as usual) despite my level mood, but this week it has skyrocketed. It’s been presenting as intense irritation and random weepy spells.

The physical symptoms are exhausting. Anyone who likes to think it’s just a mental thing can tell that to my constant headaches, to my ever aching jaw, to my upset stomach, to my tense muscles and knotted up back, to the distracting hot and tingly flushes that flare up daily on the back of my neck and shoulders (a completely new experience for me), and to my painfully pounding heart that wakes me each morning without fail.

I am in what seems like never-ending bodily pain, and have been waking up drained and sore. I’m not depressed though, and so I thank Cthulhu for small mercies.

I don’t know when I will write again. It saddens me to admit that my inspiration seems to have left me, but if that’s the price I have to pay for stability then so be it. I’ll learn to work around it – some day when I’m less tired.

I hope all my readers are well. Thank you for your continued support and encouragement. I appreciate it more than I can express.

Peace always

~ Kelly Love


I used to think my fate

Was to be just like you two

But something sets us far apart

And differs me from you


That difference simply being

That I refuse to hide

From myself or from my faults

(The me that lives inside)


In the mirror I commit to look

And face just what I see

I accept responsibility

To build a better me


No longer shall I run or dodge

This duty at my door

Denial is no friend of mine

It doesn’t stay here anymore


Let me relate to you

A story if I may

Imagine waking every morn

Feeling the same way


Your heart is pounding, screaming

Get up! Get up! Get up!

Your brain is hurting, whispering

Give up. Give up. Give up.


The war goes on, relentless

And you cannot find the will

To move your limbs or play the part

Of normal, well and still


And yet you crawl on through

With a boulder on your head

Knowing when it’s over

You can limp off back to bed


No one sees your struggle

(Or at least that’s what you say)

The strength it takes to make it

Through each and every day


What kind of life is one

Where average is the goal?

To walk the line of undisturbed

Never feeling in your soul


Eat right, sleep well and exercise

Your will to be quite sane

But know your world will never be

Completely free from pain


“We all feel it too,

We swear you aren’t alone.”

If that’s true I pity you

Our hearts are made of stone

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